Shower Thoughts Diary Entry 1: Vulnerability

I've spent the last couple of days devoting a big chunk of my thoughts to the idea of vulnerability (when I really should start focusing on the two essay portfolios I need to submit in order to finish this absolute joke of an academic year; if you know, you know).

Being vulnerable is something which I have struggled with for quite a while, I never know what the right way to go is, and I end up going pretty hot and cold; almost changing my mind between meals. For a little while, for reasons I am not completely aware of myself, I decided that I would be completely vulnerable with people; holding nothing back whatsoever.

A couple friends and I were discussing "what's a question, or topic, you would be too afraid to answer" while playing We're Not Really Strangers (WNRS). While both of their answers revolved around parts of themselves or their lives, which they didn't necessarily feel comfortable discussing or answering given the right (or wrong) question was posed, mine was slightly different. My answer was along the lines of fear of discussing or revealing the absolute of what I thought about any given person. I couldn't really think about anything personal in particular which I would be too afraid to share, it seemed like I'm already such an open person that I can't really pin down anything that I wouldn't want to answer (about myself). The root of my answer was quite multilayered: it rotated between not wanting to seem too needy, too attached, too emotional, too sensitive, too over-analytical, too rude, too this, too that. So essentially it was grounded in myself, however more so the image of myself in regards to how I am towards others. I'll come back to this.

Over the last couple of weeks, whether by sheer coincidence, or because I was paying more attention, I've heard a couple people share an 'iffy' feeling, after being completely vulnerable with somebody; feeling weird, and somewhat uncomfortable. That feeling didn't really resonate with me at the time, I guess because being vulnerable has ceased to be something which I reserved for certain people or occasions, but rather opened up to anybody who would listen. When I say vulnerable, I mean completely. From being vulnerable about some of the darkest sides of myself; speaking out about my mental health, my disordered relationship with food, to being completely open about my feelings towards other people, accepting the potential rejection which may come with.

I may have lied a little bit when I said I didn't really know the reason for opting out for complete openness and vulnerability. I think a big part of it, which I am quite self aware of, was the thought that if people knew everything there is to know to begin with, there wouldn't be any 'surprises'; nobody would leave unexpectedly. A 'take me or leave me' mentality.

However, the reality is that people leave. For reasons far beyond your control, and for reasons, however hard it may be for your ego to accept, far beyond you.

Another question which I've had to ponder over a couple of times, coming up almost every time I've played WNRS has been "am I somebody who falls in love easily". My instinct is to say no, because the numerous relationships I have had over the years reach a sort of weird plateau at some point, where not only am I not anywhere near the feeling I would resonate with love, but I just completely lose interest. So no, I don't fall in love easily. But I do grow attached completely irrationally and like every compatible person I meet is the last person I'll meet, whether it's romantically or platonically.

The reality is that people leave. For reasons far beyond your control, and for reasons, however hard it may be for your ego to accept, far beyond you. So I think a reason for these recent contemplations is that I realised, other people don't grow attachments the same way you do; the same way I do. I'm too sensitive, too emotional, too over-analytical, I take things too personally, too fast, too this, too that.

“I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible. Because one day, I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming.”

- Rachel C. Lewis

I can't lie, I do love this quote. And I do live by this quite a lot, I believe in the idea of being horribly straightforward when you want something; you have no right to whine about wanting something if you haven't tried to get it. It is a beautiful idea to be so open and free and desperate, but there comes a point where things get a little too much. I think I'd like to get back to the self which can freely live by this, without putting extra weight or strain on my heart.

There was a weird empty feeling which filled me when I thought about the image of two people who know some of the most intimate things about each other, but grow distant within a week. I was so tired of being vulnerable with people and it leading to nowhere. I felt quite hollow. And in no way do I want to insinuate that vulnerability is wrong, and one should only be vulnerable with a carefully curated selection of people. But I do think that people shouldn't leave you feeling empty. Or feeling like you're back in a place you thought you climbed your way out of. Or feeling so abandoned or unimportant that you decide to switch cold.

I said I'd come back to the idea of a fear of the image of yourself, generated and composed based off the thoughts you have over others. When I shared this fear, the person I was talking to said something along the lines of

"well I already kind of get that from you"

- "what do you mean?"

"well I mean the needy, kind of thing"

- "okay, how do you mean?"

"just by the things you say, which may be indirect, but still leave a similar impression"

The things the person was referring to was instances where I would be quite straightforward and open about my feelings towards the said person. Not holding back on saying things like "I like it when you bug me, keep texting me", to let them know I enjoy their attention. I think the acknowledgement of the fact that perhaps this paints me as a needy person is what began to instigate the thoughts of closing up. I didn't realise that by, in a sense, being vulnerable and open about my feelings towards someone I was coming off as needy or any of the things which I fear the most in terms of my own image.

Something I have noticed about myself is that when I do feel remotely this way I do switch cold. But not only in terms of how open or vulnerable I am with others, but completely cold; I'll lay off social media, I'll lay off communication; the closest you can come to disappearing without actually causing any harm.

No particular intention, thesis or argument here, just some food for thought.

So I guess I would put it this way:

Dear Diary,

I am so tired of making myself completely available and disposable for the people around me, for people who don't necessarily deserve it. I am so tired of creating attachments which are not reciprocated. I feel a little empty and need to refill. I think the oncoming summer heat is making me want to go a little cold.

Love,

Nona